Healing

Don't worry
I am o.k. And I will be o.k.
I hit a pretty tumultuous rocky time there, and I know that I know it is not over. I am simply at a place where everything that I once thought that I knew and made sense to me has been once again shattered to pieces to leave me floating in some ambiguous darkness. Am I lonely there? YES! But I am learning to rest in the tension of not knowing and learning to be o.k. with that. Why as humans do our worlds completely fall apart once we realize that perhaps we don't know something? Is our comfort solely in our ability to put things into small little finite boxes and convince ourselves that we can control those boxes? My answer wants to be no, but I am finding that yes I like my boxes and I struggle tremendously when those boxes are smashed to pieces. At the same time, my boxes are harmful to myself and others, so sometimes they need to be smashes...or gently de-constructed... But it is amazing how once a box is deconstructed how we need another box to take its place, or we return to that box because it is where we once found comfort. Why do humans need boxes? Why do we repeat things to ourselves in a language that only we can understand? We think we know so much....Sometimes I say things with such utter authority only to find that I really have no idea what I am talking about....Boxes....trapped by them and yet unable to escape them.
I discovered what I wanted out of life more than anything.
Healing
Healing for myself, my fellow human being and the earth. This thought suddenly came to me as I was out walking amongst the trees trying to glean some positive energy from them. It suddenly dawned on me that I have the choice. I can be an instrument of healing for myself and the world around me, or I can live my life in utter bitterness and anomie for the things which have been done and said to me.
But more than anything I want to heal, and in that process be an instrument of healing for others.
That is it....that simple.
Now it will just take me a life-time to figure out what that means :)
I am in no rush....life is about lessons and if I had learned all of mine, I think I would be dead by now.
Is this another box? Of course it is! But I like this box, I like the freedom that it allows me to discover how and where to find my own healing, and in turn be able to allow that healing energy to flow from me to the world.