Beautifully Broken

I found this picture best represented how I felt after camp and many of the girls. So beautifully broken.

I went to camp last week that was for street women who had been caught in the act of soliciting for the purposes of prostitution. These women had the choice of either going to jail (for one night or so) and receiving a criminal record or going to camp to be educated about the riskiness of their behavior, about how they could get over their addictions and about why "John's" (men who use prostitutes) actually do what they do, welfare, job and program opportunities etc...

In sum the week was heart wrenching and amazing. The first day was filled with picking the girls up and trying to get them all out to the camp. Most of them (due to the fact that they can't use while at camp) had done their last hit before they came, or they were hung over from the night before. A couple hours in of waiting for every one to arrive with girls who are coming down from their high was very interesting. They get testy pretty quick. One of the things that surprised me was how well I fit in with the girls. I found it easy to joke around with them and laugh. I also found it relatively easy to talk to them. There is something about no judgement that comes from these girls. Many of them thought I was one of them at first and began to the conversation often with "so when did you get caught?". I don't really know what that says about me, I have often thought that if time is not linear and is circular and we are given many different shots at this life in many different lives (some future some past) that I was a prostitute at one point. I know this notion is upsetting to some, but why not? Who is to say I was or was not? The objectification of women has always bothered me on such an internal level, as if I myself was the one being objectified. Areas in which women are held hostage or are in bondage in regards to their sexuality is something that has always enraged me. Why? Well, depedning on your meta-narrative the answer will be different.

The sessions we sat through were incredibly hard. The girls found them hard, and I found them hard. The one that hit home the hardest was the one on Johnology. The study of men that use prostitues. One of the questions the girls asked in this session was why all of her clients (or Johns) were married men? A normal crowd would be horrified at this question but I found myself not surprised at all. I will blog next time specifically on the session we sat through on Johnology because I want to part the wisdom that I learned from these girls and these sessions on every one I love :).

I think the hardest part about all of this was the addiction part. These girls hate their jobs and they also hate men. But they do what they do because they want that next hit so bad. That is what keeps them there. The problem is there is very little incentive to leave. They can make $20-$1000 a trick depending on the guy and depending on what they do. They then can get high and forget all their problems and the world is just as it should and for once they are happy. They also can sell cocaine and make about $1000 dollars in an hour. Or they can want to be sober and want to get a better life for their kids and what do we give them? Welfare! Which is about $800 a month. That is not enough to live off of, especially when trying to get over an addiction with children. Or they can get a job (most of them minimum wage) and work 40 hours a week getting paid next to nothing, spending all their money on child-care or food or rent, leaving next to nothing left over and no time to spend with their kids. Wow that life would really want to make me leave the streets (that is my sarcastic voice). Well then people usually go and blame the girls for where they are and that getting there is their fault. To some degree yes, every human has choices to make. Many of the girls were sold into prostitution by their families when they were children. Many of them were born with FASD or addicted to crack. Many of them sexually molested while children over and over again. Is this depressing yet? So how much is their fault? I began to realize that so much of the injustices are by the cards we are dealt when we get here. So why not me? Why was I not sold into prostituion by my family only to have the world tell me that it is my bad morals that got me where I am which would only fuel my addiction more? Why not me? I have no idea, again it would depend on your meta-narrative.

But these girls despite all their hardships and downfalls were so beautiful. The way they laughed at life, how they smiled, their stories. That was one of the things I got to tell them in our healing circle. No one can strip them of their humanity, no one. Maybe that is why I could relate to them so closely, we are all so beautifully broken.