Something random

I was walking through the mall today and I stumbled upon an art store that I was not aware eexisted in the mall. As I walked along the delicate glasses, lamps, paintings I suddenly felt a very deep longing in my heart. I was drawn to a particular corner in which a shelf displayed some of the most beautiful dishes I had ever seen. Their colors were so vibrant, yet they sang a song of deep richness. They were a swirling mix of blue and green, they reminded me of the ocean and the sky, and earth.....

So what's up? I don't rightfully know. I just know that I awoke today feeling unusually sad. Sad that my life isn't a picture book filled with beauty light and perfectness. I kind of wish it would, and maybe I keep getting mad at my picture book because I keep fudging up the pictures. Nothing is ever quite like how I imagined it should be. Instead of there being blue skies and rainbows, there is darkness, blood, pain, brokenness, disappointment, and above all.....hurt.

Wow I am sounding like a bitter old woman aren't I? Sometimes i can feel myself becoming that bitter old woman very quickly. How do i forgive the broken relationships in my life? How can i let go of the reality that when i expose myself to people in a vulnerable way they hurt me..... How do I let go of the things that happened in my past...mistakes I made....hurtful things that were said to me....reject from the people who are closest to me....

Maybe that is why the mugs were resounding with me. They were so beautiful, but sad looking.....and maybe that is o.k. Maybe somewhere there is beauty in the pain (no i am not a masochist). How do I accept the pictures that are in my picture book as opposed to the ones that I want? How do I accept the distorted images as beautiful?