Hunger count

Yes I am posting it here and on my facebook. It is a message that needs to get out.

Here is the link.

New roomate

When it rains it pours. Isn't that the saying?

On top of an already bad day I found out I have a room mate. It is of the rodent variety. A room mate which I do not plan to keep as this room mate does not pay rent or food. Poor mouse...but alas my house is not a shelter ;).

Maybe that is why cats kill mice, because they generally loath them. I loath rodents. Especially in my living quaters.

Better than bed bugs I suppose :).

Vulnerability

vulnerable |ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl|
adjective
"susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm".

It hurts to be vulnerable, but only my ego.

I also know that authentic love is not possible unless I am vulnerable.

That is fucking scary (pardon my french).

It is so much easier to be jaded and angry, and have huge walls that drive everyone away. But when it comes down to pros and cons I would rather have attempted to love and have been scorned (by friends, family, lovers etc.) than to wallow away in bitterness until the day I die.

Yes our world would be a better place if everyone could do this. Risk to love, risk ourselves and our ego, put aside our bitterness and anger.

It was Ghandi who said "be the change you wish to see in the world".
Therefore it starts with me.

Listen

"We saw the Great Spirit's work in almost everything: sun, moon, trees, wind and mountains. Sometimes we approached the Great Spirit through these things. Was that so bad? I think we have a true belief in the supreme being, a stronger faith than that of most whites who have called us pagans...Indians living close to nature and nature's ruler are not living in darkness.

Did you know that trees talk? Well they do. They talk to each other, and they'll talk to you if you listen. Trouble is, white people don't listen. They never learned to listen to the Indians so I don't suppose they'll listen to other voices in nature. But I have learned a lot from trees: Sometimes about the weather, sometimes about the animals, sometimes about the Great Spirit".
- Tatanga Mani or Walking Buffalo

The only one who is going to fix it is you

The only one who is going to fix it is you

I will let the title speak for itself. I think I am learning more and more that we need to take responsibility for our actions. In our society we project, blame, and will do anything to make it seem as though we are simply the victim. That is not to say that individuals have not gone through hard times, and that larger systemic injustices exist and need to be dealt with.

At the micro level the only thing that will ever change individuals is well….themselves. But we always project…. “if only there were the right circumstances, if only I met the right person, if only this person changed, if only I didn’t have to do everything”. Yes that is true but what is not more empowering than realizing that in fact the only person who can make things better is ones self. If you are in a bad circumstance than it is your job to get out of it. We always have a choice. Take responsibility for your actions.

Perhaps it is alarming for individuals to hear this especially because I work in a domestic abuse shelter. But the women who make it and turn their lives around are the women who understand this truth. One woman said to me “He won’t change, therefore it is my job to take care of myself and my children and to make our lives better”.

The only safe place that can be facilitated is within. No one else can be that safe place for you. If your inner being is in turmoil than it is your job to fix it. It is your job to take care of yourself; and by doing so you actually impact the world around you in a very positive way.

The only way our society is going to change is if individuals begin to take responsibility for their actions.

The end.

Balance

Well I think it’s time to blog.

And then I think to myself what is the point of blogging again? Then I remember that is sharing what I have been thinking about lately with those closest to me. O.k. So here goes a small glimpse of what goes on in Kim’s mind. Don’t get lost!

Favorite new song: Chris Brown “Forever”. Can’t explain why I just think it is such a great song! Maybe because I love dancing so much ;). I know it’s pathetic but when I find a song I really like I have a tendency to listen to it over and over again until I get really sick of it. It’s similar to how some people are with candy I think.

Work: I have many thoughts about my work. All I can say is that I have much to learn. I also can say that I have already learned much. The women I work with are truly amazing. There is so much to say that I can’t even begin to put into words. Their stories, their culture, everything. Sometimes I sit and wonder how on earth they let me into their world. I treat it as a huge honor. So what I am I learning from them? The strength and vitality that people have. These women and children have adopted extreme survival techniques. They will out smart the staff often. Even the children blow me away with their sheer wit and adaptability. In order to not be traumatized myself from a lot of their stories I have been adopting some serious self care techniques. And lucky for me I am being eased into this all by just being part time right now. I am also learning a lot about the aboriginal culture which I will talk about more later.

Inner world: I have been taking many of the aboriginal lessons and applying them to my life in a more diligent way. The medicine wheel is posted all over our shelter and it’s wisdom speaks to all aspects of our lives; and it speaks of balance (those that would like to know more about the medicine wheel I am will give you a link here). If I am going to go into an environment that requires a lot from me and is quite negative sometimes I must be able to counter balance that with a lot of positive things in my life. Which is why today I splurged and bought some essential oils, and an oil burner. I am all about making my environment safe and beautiful and part of that is smell for me. Right now I am burning lavender, a fragrance of balance.

I also got some dried sage (also called a sage wand) and smudged myself and my house. I find this so necessary (and one of my beautiful friends). The idea of cleansing all that is within and outside in order to help oneself survive and thrive. Sage is a cleansing, healing and protecting herb. The idea of smudging is a way of purifying oneself, healing oneself, and setting up protection so that other negative influences can’t come in. Of course this does not have to be done through smudging there are other forms (prayer, mediation etc..) for me smudging is very meaningful. The reason? I am kinesthetic, and it give me something I can touch and smell. It also gives me a connection with the earth and plants which I love and a connection with a spirituality that I find very meaningful. Also sage is known to be especially healing for women. Yes the Aboriginal people knew this long before we did. One of the things I noticed immediately when I entered my shelter for the second time was that there was sage across all of our doorposts. Sage doesn’t have to be lit to act out it’s properties.

Reading: Ken Wilber and Harry Potter. One a renowned think tank especially in regards to evolutionary spirituality, the other a brave boy with a scar on his head. Both somehow are able to speak to my life at this point. Again here are my attempts to balance, a rather rigorous read with a nice fantasy book.

That about sums it up.

Concatenate

Left brain or right brain?
Check out the link here and tell me which way she was spinning for you!
For me she was spinning left, and I stared and stared and could not make it spin right. I think after looking at it for about 20 minutes straight she started to spin right.

And after much dialogue (with various individuals and with myself) I found out that I am actually according to Myers Briggs (drum roll please....) an ENTP (there is another link for those of you who may desire to read this). Of course I have many ENFP qualities as well. But as I grow and develop more into the person I am I find I fit better with the description of the T, and yes I finally decided that I am an Extrovert. I take in my world via externally from myself.

What an insightful day. Not that this changes anything on the grand scheme of things other than the reality that I am starting to understand how I approach my world and therefore how I can change and develop as a person.

p.s I love living in my own place because clothing is optional :P

Transcendence

To Return to the Source it is not necessary to destroy and annihilate the lower levels. It is necessary only to transcend them, to cease identifying exclusively with them...In true and unobstructed evolution, we take all the lover levels with us, out of love and compassion, so that all levels eventually are reconnected to the Source.

To negate everything is to preserve everything; to transcend all is to include all.

We must go whole bodily to God; failing that, we fall into dissociation, repression and inner fragmentation. Ultimate transcendence is thus not ultimate annihilation of the levels of creation, bur rather their ultimate inclusion in Spirit.

The Final Transcendence is the Final Embrace.
-Ken Wilber

Big changes

My own place.

A new job.

Transformation of old relationships; which includes the end of some and the birth of new ones.

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

The inner workings of my journey are complex and no I don’t even understand them all yet. All I know is that I am following things that are beyond me. To maintain step with this is very difficult, but necessary.

Thanks for reading :).

Thou art SCORPIO!!

Watch out this girl is born under the star sign Scorpio, but her rising is also in Scorpio. Dangerous? I think so.

I am not going to deny my utter fascination with star signs. I can not quite figure out why they mesmerize me but alas there is something in me that is very drawn towards them. No I do not read my horoscope everyday. Like everything rich and full of history star signs too have been polluted by our main stream pop materialistic culture. Many of the horoscopes written (unless by an actual astrologer which actually takes many hours of calculation and observations) are full of it, out to make a quick buck off of people who would love more than anything to have control over a world that they feel is otherwise out of control.

No I don’t read my horoscope. And for those of you who know me well, can appreciate how much I love to analyze and figure out people. They also know that I love things that require careful thought and a certain amount of scrutiny and skepticism especially when it comes to matters of belief or…..anything really.

Well lets face it. We all have our myths that we believe. Yes I am aware of the reality that star signs were created by humans. Back in the day sages would gaze at the sky in order to read what the heavens were instructing them to do. And yes this is even recorded in the Bible for those of Monotheistic decent who consider this witchcraft. Prophecies were fulfilled by things that were long before seen in the stars (eg: The Maggi who saw Jesus’ birth).

Well that’s all nice and good but in our modern day of science and “objective reality”, star signs quickly loose their credibility to anything that could remain as fact or beyond. I continue to advocate on some level that matters of Faith were never meant to be factual or explain things on an “objective” level. They were myths or stories created to help individuals make it through whatever they were going through at that time. People get so offended when you say this. But any degree of “faith” you can not prove. That would just defeat the purpose of faith. I sort of smile when people make claims like they know for sure that Jesus rose from the dead. If I ask them how they know they just say, because I know, or because Jesus told them so, or because history says so. You must have a reason for knowing, if Jesus just told you so than well you could be diagnosed as a Schizophrenic, and history has been interpreted by many faculties and re-written by how many people etc…. it is not the most reliable either. That does not mean that you can’t believe in Jesus or have some sort of “relationship” with him. Perhaps that myth is meaningful for you and is something that helps you cope with your day to day life. Maybe the Holy Spirit has directly spoken to you, or maybe the Bible still speaks to you.

For so long I could not understand why good thinking people would remain in traditional religions. But I suppose it is for the same reason that I appreciate star signs. I love my star sign (Scorpio for those who don’t know and if you want to read more about the particular traits that go along with this here is a link, most of you who know me will find it very funny), why? Because it resonates with me and somehow helps me understand why I do the things I do, and certain characteristics that I have align with that of the scorpion. All star signs also have an element that goes with them. Scorpio is a water sign. My favorite element. Water is mutable, and can adapt to changes quickly. It also nourishes life, and in the deepest recesses of the earth you always find water. There is also so much going on beneath the surface that most people are unaware of. Also water is not afraid to live in the most un-desirable places (sewage etc…). But unleashed and dangerous water can drown, take away lives, overbear, be wild and unpredictable. Traits I find definitely are true for myself.

I also find that certain star signs are drawn to other star signs. For example a lot of my closest friends or the people who I have felt the most connected too in my life have been an earth or a water sign themselves (except my beloved Leo’s, the one fire element I get along with!).

Yes a myth. But one that I find helpful for myself. So I chose to participate in it. Maybe it is absolute truth, but then again maybe not. All in all does it matter that much? After contemplating this truth that was starring me right in the face I am willing to be more open minded to those individuals who get their meaning from a particular place in order to help them make sense of their world, and maybe all I can do is hope that one day this will me a mutual understanding.

I suppose how we will all get along and how much we will be able to love and take care of our world really depends on how firmly and tightly we hold to our myths and how willing we are to change them accordingly.

The end.

p.s. Although star signs are not such a big deal here, in India part of the every day local news is to hear from the local astrologer. Also before a couple wed’s it is imperative that the couple go to an astrologer to ensure that they are a compatible match.

The problem is not faith

"My problem has never been my faith. It has always been the literal ways that human beings have chosen to articulate that faith".

Back to the forest

Yes….alas. I have embarked upon re entering the realm of the woods. And above all I have decided that it is one of my favorite places to be. There is just something so calming, refreshing and healing about being in the presence of sheer nature. As I was focusing on pounding in tons of trees the other day I stopped to actually stare at the ground for a few minutes. It suddenly embarked on me that of all my years planting I rarely ACTUALLY look at the ground. The colors were stunning. There was sand mixed in with red pine needles, splash in a few shades of green, add some pine cones, bark, and tiny little purple flowers. I was almost brought to tears by the sheer beauty of the ground. Oh how little I am present sometimes. I forget to observe my surroundings and to remember that I am in paradise. And the only thing that keeps me from enjoying it is my own head trip.

Be still……

I think this year of planting will be quite different. It will no longer be about being the best or pounding in millions of trees until my body screams for no more. It will be more about trying to be present, trying to soak in what my surroundings are offering me. Of course doing this will not be easy for me. But probably really good for my pride.

I also find for some reason when I am in the woods my imagination becomes so much more alive, whirling with ideas and thoughts. Yes to all of you people who don’t know I actually write stories. I have about five or six that I have been working on for years. And for some reasons I was always ashamed of this. But I have decided once and for all that I am going to write my stories down. I have a brilliant imagination, a gift that has been bestowed upon me and for once I have decided that yes it is time. It is time to let my characters who have been developed and shaped in my mind come alive through the written word. I am not sure why tree-planting allows me to work on my stories all the more. Nature is just so inspiring. The woods are my haven.

Perhaps one day I will be brave and post parts of my stories here :).

I have a new love in my life

Well I thought I would make this confession public.

I have a new love in my life....

And it's called banana chocolate chip spelt bread.

Enjoyed with a cup of pomegranate green tea and it is enough to make a girl keel over and die of ecstasy.

So delicious.....So moist.....so full of decadent chocolate...

mmmmmmmmm......banana chocolate chip spelt bread.

I wish I could invite you all over for a piece, but like any jealous lover I will probably eat the entire thing for myself ;).

Maybe someday I will learn to share.

Collective Conciousness

A collective human experience shared, experienced and talked about as a collective human experience. One wakes up to the reality that they really are not alone, and the only thing that makes them alone is the concept in their own minds that they are in fact alone.

The beauty of this is it calls us to side step the notions we hold as "self" the barriers that really separate us (gender, race, religion, wealth) all begin to dissipate leaving us with one reality. And that reality is moving forward as a collective human consciousness and to begin to start participating in a movement that is so much greater than ourselves; rather than focused on our separate journey as if we are the only ones on it.

How else will the world change?

Dair

In reflection today I realized that I love trees (well I knew this already, I was just gently reminded). Why do I love trees? Because they are so faithful, so beautiful and so steady. They grow without anyone even noticing. They produce oxygen, which enables our bodies to breath and function in a more healthy way; they also cleanse the air of what would otherwise be a hostile living environment. They also weather all sorts of climate and environmental fluctuations, usually unharmed (not always).

I also find it interesting that countries that have cut down all their trees find that the climates don’t result in rain. Trees create, and pull in moisture and water which then recycles back into the environment. Land without trees is land without water. This of course evolves into bigger problems such as soil erosion, inability to grow crops and therefore an inability to have food and water.

Trees are precious.

In the Celtic pagan religion trees represented doors to the spiritual worlds. The reason for this was because they were firmly rooted in the earth and yet they defy gravity and reach towards the heavens. Therefore they live in both worlds; the spiritual and the corporal.

I aspire to be more tree-like.

(Dair: Gaelic for Oak tree).

One pointed interest

A quote that made me re-evaluate.

"Now it's important to understand that those who have come to the place that that was just described- those who cannot be swayed in any way from their one-pointed interest in liberating themselves from fear and ignorance in this life have a lot in common with one who has actually succeeded (yes there are such people).

If we are truly willing now, our relationship to the whole world and everything in it changes- all things become possible. Why? Because inwardly our attention has become one-pointed. It is now focused upon a mystery in which there exists no sense of limitation whatsoever. This mystery is immeasurable, indescribable, and unknowable. But when our attention is primarily focused on the material world- on what we want from it, how we feel about it and what we think about it- all things are no longer possible because we have given our attention to that which is inherently limited. And when our attention has been given to that which is inherently limited, very little is possible. You see, there is no room for the depth that has not limit when life is lived without any knowledge or experience of a miraculous possibility- without any knowledge of that which is sacred, of that which is perfect always because that is its nature. A life that is lived without any knowledge or experience of that possibility is a life of limitation, and limitation in relationship to the freedom being spoken about is no life at all.

It is important to understand that, in the end, all we can do is want to be free more than anything else and be willing to do anything necessary in order to succeed".

Food for thought
-all excerpts taken from "Heaven and Earth" written by Andrew Cohen.

The small things

It is the small things that count.

Blue sky
Sparkling snow
Manitoba cheese
Making a cup of hot tea
Watching figure skating with my mom
Going for a walk with the person I love

The small things make a big difference :)

The watcher

What would happen if everyone chose to believe that we were inherently good instead of inherently evil.

It just got lost in the chaos of an egoic world.

Why is it that we can watch ourselves think? Why is it that when we do something harmful to someone else, we have the ability to watch ourselves do it?

Who is it that is watching? Ever peaceful....ever none judgmental.

We have moments of complete bliss, where we are overwhelmed with extreme love and admiration for the world and for others.

Where do these moments come from if we are inherently evil?

Maybe if we began to live out of that peaceful, watching self we would be much less dysfunctional. And our love for others would not be tainted by a needy clinging, for self to be sustained and it's projection to be insured for its own survival.

What if we were actually already filled with unconditional love? And all we had to do was begin to listen to the voices within us. One that is ever demanding, never satisfied. And listen to the one, who watches....and in those moments of stillness, we experience love.

What if we becmae more concious of the "watcher" aspect of ourselves. For if one half of ourselves is always upset, always threatened, and always afraid....how do we even have the ability to see that unless there was something else? Someone else in us watching. So which one are we? Do we choose?

What if humans were inherently good and unconditionally loving?

What would the implications be fore our fellow human and even our planet? All of which currently our paving the way for entire annihilation. Unless we awaken to what we are doing.

What then?

Train ride

So last night I slept with a Hindi woman.

Yes it is true. It is a long story that includes being on a very crowded train. The way the train system works here is that you buy your seat in advance and you get a seat that transforms into a little bed.

Anyways it just so happened that not everyone got beds...so Matt and I both ended up sharing half our small beds with local people. The woman that I slept beside was very friendly...and she snored :). There is not such thing as proximity in these parts of the world!

Well what can I say...it's India.

I have decided to become a vegetarian. Not just one by default. I see this more as my own way of being aware of my food, and my small contribution to ethical living, and a way to incorporate my spirituality into my eating. I do not push this belief on anyone (although I would like more people to be aware of what they eat and where their food comes from), nor do I wish to be dogmatic about it.

Just thought I would share my recent conversion with the world :P